Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Craziest Thing I've Done To Lose Weight--Pat

Magic Pants!!!
By Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC, "America's Weight Loss Catalyst"
The Craziest Thing I've Done To Lose Weight
I heard Kerri tweeting about this topic on twitter, so I thought I'd join her fun.  Now, I've done some crazy things to lose weight.  Through some 25 years of struggle, I've attacked every diet designed by man or woman; restricted every element of nutrition known on earth; and (NOW WE KNOW!!) downgraded my metabolism to "Category 1-Disaster."

My favorite attempt was one of my first.  I think I remember it so well because it was my first "secret" attempt at weight loss.

My mother put me on my first diet when I was nine or ten years old.  It was Atkins!  I should say it was the first round of Atkins, before he was discredited by the medical profession.

That first diet set off a lifetime of struggle for me.  When I was about 14, I had already developed a full-blown hatred for my body.  I saw an ad in a magazine for "magic weight loss."  I was too young to know the word "magic" (or "miracle"), when associated with weight loss, is a big sign pointing to the word:  LIE!!

So, staying stealth, I mailed in my money for magic weight loss!  I hurried home from school every day to check the mail before anyone else got home.  When one of my sisters was present, I worked hard to remain cool as I casually went to the mailbox.

This was a long time ago, in the dark ages, and it took weeks for my package to arrive!

What was the magic weight loss item?

It was a pair of BIG, GREEN the ugliest green on earth – this color green:






PLASTIC PANTS!!  They had little air valves on them and you blew them up like an inner tube until they were approximately your size and fit tightly.  Then, you wore them around and sweated like crazy. 

It was "easy"!

It was "simple"!

It was "magic!"

I was way too young to understand that weight loss has nothing to do with fat loss and fat loss takes lots of time.

All I knew was THIS was the answer, and it was MAGIC.  I went to work.

But, remember, this was a SECRET!!

Now, wearing these things around wasn't easy to keep a SECRET!!

Not in my house, where my nosy mom and sisters wanted to know what you were doing every single minute of the day.

So, I closed all my windows and shut the door to my room.  Then I moved the dresser in front of the door.  I blew the pants up.  I struggled to get into them.

I didn't even stop to think about the fact that it was hot as hell and I lived in Texas already… I did not need plastic pants to help me sweat... in fact, I sweated mightily just trying to pull the ballooned pants onto my body.

I tried doing my homework but the pants felt creepy.  The directions said you would lose more weight if you exercised while wearing the pants, so I put on music and did leg lifts.  Little by little, I started to feel sweat pouring down my legs. 

I was losing weight!!!

Then, my mother pounded on the door, and, when she couldn't open the door, wanted to know what I was doing.  I told her I was re-arranging my furniture.

When I was exhausted (probably about 5 minutes later), I tried to get up off the floor but my lost weight was pooling in puddles and I kept slipping and sliding.

"What is going on in there?" my mother asked.

After she went away, I took off the pants, dried the floor and went to the scale.  No difference really.  Hmmm.  That was disappointing.  What about all that sweat?

"Come eat dinner," my mother called.

And, of course, I went.

After a week, I had exhausted the "moving furniture" excuse (actually, if I had REALLY moved furniture, I might have actually built some muscle and lost some real weight) and I forgot to bolt the door.  My sister barged in and caught me in my green plastic pants! 

Oh, the horror! 

All of them, my sisters and my mother, laughed so hard at me in my magic inner tube pants.

It wasn't the first time I was humiliated by my weight loss attempts.  I was ashamed of that attempt for years, and further shamed by other attempts too.  It took years to learn:

Magic weight loss = magic regain.

Now, I laugh at all my efforts.  I feel no shame.  I have a fondness for my old self, and I love her because she was willing to try… and she so wanted to be thin and healthy.   

 ***Thanks for the post Pat!