Since going Paleo my family has fallen even more in love with our grill. Paleo and grilling just work well together. The past couple of years I've even been stepping outside my grilling comfort zone more and more. Grilling things I'd never thought to have grilled before and trying new flavor combinations. I have to say I'm pretty thrilled with the results of most of my flavor experiments. In the past I'd never have thought to grill fruit, but it's amazing. Grilling fruit and adding it to traditionally savory dishes? Brilliant. Oh yes, and? New rule: every burger recipe for the rest of forever must contain grilled pineapple. OK, maybe more of a guideline. It's a seriously delicious combination though. This Smoky Grilled Pineapple Burger is always a crowd-pleaser at my house. It's not only Paleo, but Whole30, glutenfree, lower carb, and clean eating friendly. I promise you won't miss the bun! paleo, grilled pineapple burger, smoky
Ever since I sat down and wrote out my five year goals I find myself struggling with some fears again. Fear of failure has crept in there a little, and fear of success too! So, I thought I'd re-post my fear of greatness post, I needed reminding. Hope you enjoy. Happy Friday everyone!
Fear of Greatness
I have talked some on my blog about my fear of failure. I struggle hugely with fearing failure in everything from weight loss to writing. In the past it has kept me from even trying. I really feel I'm getting a handle on this fear. I've stared that fear down and not let it beat me. I have began those tasks head on that I was afraid to start in the past out of fear of failing them.
Prior to starting my blog I had no idea fear had such a hold on my life. But it did and still does in some ways. Upon much soul searching lately I have realized I have a fear of being great. A fear of greatness?! Say what?
I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and had a long conversation with my sister about it. I am afraid to be great. To be anything special. To stand out. To be better than someone else. This may sound absurd to some and I will do my best to explain. This post and how to best put into words what I feel has been swimming around my head for days.
My entire life I have had people who have made me feel that I need to make my self less than. Less smart. Less attractive. Less successful. Less everything. Close people, important people. For some reason they view me being great as them being put down somehow. I guess keeping me down makes them feel better somehow? Maybe they are competing with me? I really don't understand their motives. But, I believe this has had an affect on my weight as well as many other aspects in my life.
I am afraid to be beautiful. I couldn't believe I was saying it when I said it to my sister on the phone. But it is true. Even typing this I am trying to figure out how to say it without sounding full of myself (which I am NOT) because I don't want people to 'think' that I see myself as beautiful.
In my past I have always had family members or close friends that were...I guess jealous of me? That is the only thing I can figure to explain it. But I always felt that I had to downplay myself. To be less than. Especially concerning my looks. If they weren't putting me down, I was putting myself down.
Now I'm not saying I'm some gorgeous gal or something, but I've always been curvy and whatever. In my single days I had a few guys look my way. Any attention I received for my looks these people in my life would roll their eyes and act like I was...I don't even know what. But it was huge attitude by them and it has made me be afraid to say anything nice or good about my looks AT ALL, EVER. If anyone says anything nice to me I have always felt obliged to play it off. It embarrasses me. Somehow these people have made me feel guilty for my appearance! I am trying very hard to learn to just say thank you to compliments and leave it at that.
If we went shopping and tried on clothes heaven forbid something look good on me. If I looked good in a pair of sunglasses they made me look like a 'bitch'. If I was doing my makeup I got mean stares. If I got a cute new haircut...you get the picture. Somehow all these events were about them. Heaven forbid I lose weight!
It goes deeper than just my appearance. I have never felt I can be smart or successful out loud either!
My ex husband made me feel like I was a show off if I used too big of words. Possibly why he's the ex?! But that's just one example of many where I have felt I can't show I have a brain. I did well in school, but much of it I did very quietly. I didn't want to stand out, especially around certain people.
If I succeed at anything these people in my life make me feel like I'm being a show off, like I'm full of myself, like I think I'm a big deal. How dare I think I'm...anything. It's like I'm in competition with them, but they're not even trying, so..uh, guess I'm winning?! It seems they feel I am putting them down somehow just by being ME. My marathon...ya, that went over REAL well.
While I am not sure if I have explained the situation well, I see it very clearly now. I have got to stop feeling I have to be less than for other people. I am not in charge of them and their feelings. I cannot keep myself down because of their choices in their lives. It is not a competition. They don't have to lose because I win...I can be me even if that means being great at things. Even if that means becoming a successful writer. Even if that means running races. Even if that means having a great husband and kids. Even if that means being thin. Even if that means being beautiful. It's OK to be me. It's OK to be GREAT.
While I'm not struggling with these people at the moment, I am struggling with the concept that it's OK to succeed, it's OK to be GREAT. It stems from these interactions in my life. I've been conditioned my entire life not to take that risk, not to think too much of myself, not to want too much for myself, not to expect too much...I mean I might be disappointed?! Enough is enough. As I said in yesterday's post: I have set huge goals and I am boldly stepping out into them!
there are times when you speak to my heart. It's so much easier to be good and not great... I had a friend say at dinner the other night "the enemy of great isn't bad, it's good" kinda enlightening I think.
ReplyDeleteyou're amazing and I can't wait to see what life continues to have in store for you and for us.
I remember the first time I stumbled across your blog and Twitter account. I felt so insecure, you had a steady weight loss thang goin' and I was stuck. I felt insecure and not good enough to network and talk with you. It took me MONTHS to feel comfortable commenting on your blog. There also might have been a twinge of jealousy on my part from seeing your success. It was so stupid (and purely fat girl talk) looking back on it now. I've learned to draw inspiration from you because of your success, instead of being jealous and feeling insecure.
ReplyDeleteMaybe those people who shoved you attitude for the attention you received in the single days had something to do with jealous and feelings of inferiority. I might be totally off base here, but it's a thought that came to mind...
Danielle and Erin: I just want to give you two a great-big-enough-already-i-can't-breath-bear hug.
ReplyDeleteDon't you dare apologize for being awesome-great. We shouldn't run this life course at 50% maximum. I say do it up and go ALL the way at 100% if you've got it in you. And yes, I needed to hear myself say that, too.
ReplyDeleteI hear you! But I learned not to be apologetic for being great or achieving great things. Because in actuality, you are helping others (esp women) by setting the bar high. why sink down if you can move up high? Be careful though of the "crab mentality". Many may be happy for you but there are some that will be envious.
ReplyDeleteYou did great dear. You are a great person! Something to be proud of =)
I think all of us who have lost weight and made big change in our lives have had to face the fact that some of our friends did not have our best interests at heart. Possibly hard to hear, but true.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who belittles you, makes you feel less than or tries to fit you in their idea of a box doesn't deserve you.
If you haul their attitudes around for the rest of your life, that's your choice, not theirs.
Being great will ultimately come down to YOU. Only you can decide what great is and when you're going to embrace it.
(Of course, I say "go for it." You knew I would, right?)
Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC
"America's Weight Loss Catalyst"
www.stoprentingweightloss.com
You're just so amazing, Kat. There are times when you reach inside my heart and write what's there. This post is one of those times. Thank you for that. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your awesome comments Stephanie, they mean a lot to me.
ReplyDelete