I almost deleted my entire blog last week and started again from scratch. Sounds extreme, and I finally decided not to, but that's how hard of a reset 2021 is going to be.
I had the realization from a handful of casual comments made recently by some of the people closest to me: they don't believe in me. Now, this is not about those people or what they said. I honestly know they didn't really mean anything by their comments. It was what the comments revealed about others' perceptions of me. This is about the realization it made me come to. That being: I'm not who I am. I haven't been for a few years.
You see, those comments made me realize that some of the people closest to me don't see me as someone who does hard things, who finishes things, who does what she says she's going to do.
At my core that is WHO I AM. I was astounded. I do hard things, I finish things, I do what I damn well say I'm going to do! How could they see me so differently from how I see myself??
Past events began racing through my mind. I ran a marathon. I lost a hundred pounds. I single-handedly ran a successful blog business for years. I had baby number 4 at home and if you think that's easy you're nuts... The list goes on, but funny thing about that list? They're all very past tense. By a few years.
I started to see what they see. The starts and stops lately. The downright failures here and there. The "I'm going to xyz!" declarations followed by life smacking me in the face. The complete lack of progress in so many areas of my life. I even did 75 Hard in 2020 and then fell back into complacency. Ugh. Of course they don't believe in me. I've shown them no reason to.
I can make excuses, some good ones in fact. There's been some horrible things happen in my life the past 5 years. I can blame my life circumstances, but the fact is I am so far from what I recognize as me, myself, and I that I have no idea how I got here without realizing it. Excuses, reasons, who cares! I'm not OK with this.
So, now what?
- I have to stop stopping. With my fitness, with my weight loss, with my running, with my writing... the list here is long, but I've got to grab ahold of consistency like it's all I've got. Because truly, it is.
- I'm tired of moving. We've been flipping houses since we left Idaho and I am done with that life. I'm tired of the chaos in my life and family that constant living in construction and moving causes. We started down this road in the hopes of getting back to farm life debt-free. It's become too much and it's time to settle down somewhere.
- I need to be done with the fat loss phase of my wellness journey. I just can't waste mental energy and head space here any more. I need to be done and on with life. I know maintenance is work, fitness is a permanent fixture, but fat loss just needs to be checked off the list this year. I'm over it ya'll.
- I (we/my family) need to find somewhere to put down roots. An extension of number 2 above, but I crave community. I crave to BE somewhere and stop constantly moving. Maybe that means lowering our expectations, less land, not in Colorado like we'd hoped...whatever it needs to look like I'm ready.
- I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up and be it. I feel like I'm always living for the future. When this, then... enough already. How about now?
My 2021 One Word is:
1. To grow well or luxuriantly; thrive. 2. To do or fare well; prosper. 3. To be in a period of highest productivity, excellence, or influence. 4. To make bold, sweeping movements.
Now, that may seem a bit off. I am very much so feeling grit, slay, grrr, into the storm, charge, dominate, consistent, persevere, attack! All probably more descriptive of my hound dog on a bone approach this year, yet at my core I want to flourish. Not just get by. Not just reach goals or check things off a to do list. Not just prove someone wrong or prove myself right. Not just do well. I want to flourish. My life, my family, my health and fitness, my career, my friendships, everywhere.
I want to flourish.
Did you pick a One Word this year? Tweet me.