Breaking a Pattern

I have this pattern in my life.


I have a dream, I set a goal, I decide I want something...then I set out to achieve it...then, at some point along the way I freak out and start sabotaging myself.


This has been the pattern all my life. I'm afraid of success, I feel I don't deserve it. Crazy enough, at the same time, I have huge fear of failure, but somehow if I can look back and see I caused the failure it's 'better'. Ya, nice.


I had a goal, maybe a vain one, but it was important to this here blogger that struggles with her self esteem: look great for fitbloggin. (I can't believe I'm admitting this.)


I started out doing great, then, well then came the freakout, and the binges, and the gaining of the weight.


Well, I managed to turn things around a while ago and the scale started slowly going down again, but I wasn't trying my best either. A few weeks ago I screamed: ENOUGH! I will. Not. Sabotage my enjoyment of fitbloggin. I. Will. Not. (OK, I didn't really scream, but it was one of those line in the sand statements.)


Now, I realize that you all will love me whether I'm a 2 or a 14. But this is about so much more than that, this is about breaking a pattern, a self defeating pattern, that has submarined so many great things in my life. 


So, for the past few weeks and continuing on until fitbloggin I have been/will be working hard. I am eating right. I am working out and getting super sweaty on an almost daily basis. I am taking care of me. I am allowing myself to try! I even made a hair appointment. (seriously, it's been a year and a half!) This may all sound vain, but it's really not, it's about one thing: I am not letting me down again. I will not be disappointed in myself again.


Whatever I look like, whatever I accomplish by fitbloggin is really irrelevant, what I want from this is to break this damn pattern!


I hesitated sharing this, I in no way want anyone to think I'm saying you (or I) have to look a certain way, or lose weight, or anything like that to go and enjoy fitbloggin! My fellow bloggers are some of the most loving and caring and NOT judgmental peeps I've come across. It's just another example in my life of this behavior, this pattern of self sabotage. I hope my heart is coming through here.