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xoxo, Kerri O.


Opening Up

This is a tough post to write. How does one let the whole world know that you’re a mess?

I’m not perfect, in fact, I’m a mess.

LOL, well that was easy. OK, seriously though, Yum Yucky’s post on compulsive eating got me to thinking a LOT about my issues. My issues, my uh, problems, my eating disorder, hmm maybe it’s disorders. I have an eating disorder? I have an eating disorder. Can I say that? Guess I just did. Wow…that is hard to put out there.

This is Wikipedia’s definition of compulsive eating: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_overeating  I think it’s a fairly good definition.  I mentioned in my what I learned in 2010 post that I’m a food addict, binge eater, and compulsive eater.  The lines blur between all of those, but yes, I’m all three.  Yum Yucky’s post and resulting comments got me thinking about all of this, and I’ve decided to share some of my why, my past, why I believe I have these issues.

I definitely learned disordered eating as a child. I can’t really pinpoint it, but I know some of these behaviors stem some from then. I learned an unbalanced/abnormal relationship with food. I also never learned how to handle emotions. Anger was really the only emotion that was acceptable to express.  Now had I just lived a normal happy little life from there I may have been OK. Hard to know, but I didn't.

As a teenager I flirted with anorexia. I don’t think that I ever was clinically anorexic, but I displayed a lot of the behaviors. My weight was never unhealthy though. The smallest I was, was a size 3 and about 130 pounds for 5’6”. But I remember feeling hungry and it felt powerful. Ya, screwed up I was.

Then, I got pregnant when I was 17. The father was a year older than I was. It was a dysfunctional relationship with a capital D. He was in and out of my life until I was about 23. I married him, divorced, lots of drama all around.  I won’t go into details, but he lied a lot, drank a lot, and was violent some. He did some things that cut me to my soul and killed any self esteem I had. I was broken. I wasn’t me anymore. This time in my life was the beginning of my full blown eating disorder.

Briefly after having my son I turned to alcohol. Thank God for my mom and dad during this time (my son was always safely with them when I was being an idiot). This was a bad time in my life. I realized I needed to grow up and be a mom, but still didn’t know who I was or how to deal with life, stress, or emotions. I was still very much so broken.

I turned to food. I never saw it in the same light as my drinking, it was somehow more acceptable. But it became my new addiction, my crutch, my obsession. I thought about food all the time, I binged on amounts of food that would shock you, I ate until I was so full I wanted to vomit, I ate when I wasn’t hungry, I ate so fast and didn’t feel like I could stop myself. I ate in secret.  Food controlled me. I barely even tasted food; I just shoveled it in almost trance like. It was my drug.

I put myself through college as a single mom and met a wonderful man. I functioned well in the rest of my life, but my relationship with food and my weight continued to be out of control.  It was only in the past few years that I realized I had a problem, that it wasn’t just will power, weakness, whatever. I knew my behavior was abnormal, but I never came to terms that it was an eating disorder (for some reason that terminology is hard for me).  I have an eating disorder. It goes far beyond normal overeating. I have been completely obsessed with food. It has been all consuming for a large portion of my life. I have thought about it constantly.  I’ve been filled with shame, self-hatred, and hopelessness for years.

 Healing has come in increments and sometimes one step forward, two steps back. It’s been a long road. But over the last 10 years I have found me again. I’m no longer broken. I like me and I am filled with hope. I may always have to be aware of my food issues; there are still days that food is all I can think about. I still struggle, but I have hope. I have knowledge, and I have support. I know I will beat this. I know that I am worth it.

It may have taken me over 10 years to realize I’m not a piece of trash, but standing here, on the other side, I know that those 10 years have formed who I am. And I am strong.

I believe that this year I will get to a healthy weight for the first time in a very long time. I also believe that I can have a normal, healthy relationship with food. I can, I will, I am strong.

Trending on FitViews

KETO Cocktails: The Lemon Drop

I love a good glass of red wine now and then, I mean it's practically a health food, right? ;) But sometimes I just want a cocktail. I'm all for moderation and having a drink now and then, but I'm just not down with the calorie, carb, and sugar counts of some of my favorites. Seriously, have you ever looked them up? Eek. So, I've set to work at converting my favorite cocktail recipes to be more keto diet friendly!

The first cocktail recipe I'm tackling is the lemon drop. I used to love these, but haven't had one in years because of the sugar in them. In my early twenties I had a friend who used to make them for me all the time. We would have a shaker full of these, a good dinner, and a chick flick on a weeknight, it was kind of bliss. Her recipe called for so. much. SUGAR though! Looking back I think she may have used a wee bit more sugar than most, but they were really good.



I think my keto-ized recipe comes pretty dang close to those delicious memories! It'…

The Killer Jillian 30-Day Workout Rotation #killerjillian

If you've visited FitViews before you have probably noticed I'm rather fond of Jillian Michaels at-home workouts. I own virtually all she has and have reviewed many on this blog. They're just good, solid workouts that give me great results. 
I'm particularly fond of Jillian programs, calendars, and challenges. I've blogged through Body Revolution and BodyShred. I vlogged through the 30 Day Shred. Pretty much every Jillian challenge set forth I've delightedly owned.
But I'm feeling a bit "been there done that" lately. I want a new Jillian challenge. Something fresh, something challenging, something different. Something new to motivate me and push me. So, I decided to come up with my own! I'm calling it the #KillerJillian Challenge.


The #KillerJillianBefore I launch into the calendar, a little disclaimer: This challenge is in no way endorsed by Jillian Michaels. It's just a for-fun workout calendar I came up with. Also, I'm not a trainer, d…

KETO Hot Cocoa Pancakes

OK, I know I've been on quite the low carb pancake tangent lately, but THESE! Seriously, these are yummtastic. Yummazing? Ya, they're really good. They just might be my favorite recipe I've ever done. Ever. OK, that might be my paleo apple crisp recipe, but that's not low carb...ooo, I wonder if I could tweak that low carb...

That would be brilliant!

You know, bloggers area always talking seo this and seo that (seo stands for search engine optimization if you're not a blogger) and I'm just over here yammering. I'm pretty sure when google's spider crawlers (anyone shiver at that word picture? eesh) get to FitViews they just think, "Yeesh, move along. Nothing to see here." Ha ha ha!

Anyway, pancakes. KETO Hot Cocoa Low Carb Pancakes no less. So good. 


As I've mentioned before I'm back to low carb (keto actually) and developing new recipes to make it easier to stick with. I find I just plain feel great when I eat ketogenic, and I definitely h…

30 Easy Prep and Pack Whole30 Lunch Recipes

The Whole30Program is amazing. I highly recommend it. Every time I've done a Whole 30 I have felt AMAZING by the end. It's a very empowering experience. It is not however an easy one. Mostly because the food prep can take much more time if you're used to grab and go options. A little planning ahead and you can definitely make it through the 30 days.

When it comes to Whole30 lunches, 3 things worked best for me:


Quick and easy salads.Prepping food on Sunday.Cooking too much at dinner and eating leftovers for lunch the next day.
I thought I'd share 30 of the awesome Whole30 lunch recipes I've found from my favorite bloggers (and a few from me!). I've included all three options I listed above. Some quick and easy salads, some to prep an entire recipe on the weekend and then portion them for lunches that week, and some to be cooked for dinner and the leftovers packed for lunch the next day. Play around and see what works best for you.

This list of 30 Whole30 Lunch Reci…

Keto Paleo Friendly Coffee Creamer Recipe

Going keto paleo has me missing one thing: the organic grass-fed half-and-half I'd been having in my coffee. Since going paleo over a year ago I've searched and searched and just never found anything else I love in my coffee. I'd just about given up on a keto paleo-friendly coffee creamer!

I was almost to resign myself to black coffee forever, but then I decided to resort again to trying to make my own. This version is simple and quite delicious. Not only is it keto paleo, but Whole30 and 21 Day Sugar Detox friendly as well.




Keto Paleo Cinnamon Vanilla Coffee Creamer
Ingredients
1 can Organic Canned Coconut Milk(the kind in the carton just won't do it)
1 teaspoon Cinnamon Vietnamese Organic
1 teaspoon Organic Pure Vanilla for 100% Whole30 compliant swap for vanilla powder
2 teaspoons raw local honey or Organic Maple Syrup (optional, leave out for KETO, Whole30, or 21DSD)





Directions
Blend all ingredients well in your blender. Store in the refrigerator (the cinnamon tends to set…

KETO Sweet Cinnamon Pancakes

I'm completely obsessed with keto pancakes lately. Oh, you've caught on to that? Well, these Sweet Cinnamon Low Carb Pancakes are a seriously tasty addition. They're a quick and super easy breakfast option.  Whether you're getting bored on your egg fast or just a low carb or keto style eater these are for you! With only 4 grams of carbs for the ENTIRE RECIPE, they'll fit nicely into your plan.

This recipe makes 3 or 4 decent sized pancakes and comes in at 340 calories according to my tracking in My Fitness Pal. I generally eat the whole thing and double the batch if hubby wants some too. It easily doubles or triples or quadruples...to feed however many you'd like. I love to make a giant batch on Sunday and have them ready for the week. Just reheat in the microwave and go.



Low Carb Sweet Cinnamon PancakesFor this recipe you'll need:
A mixing bowl (I like to use a large glass measuring cup to easily pour the batter in the skillet), a hand mixermeasuring spoons

Paleo Smoky Grilled Pineapple Burgers

Since going Paleo my family has fallen even more in love with our grill. Paleo and grilling just work well together. The past couple of years I've even been stepping outside my grilling comfort zone more and more. Grilling things I'd never thought to have grilled before and trying new flavor combinations. I have to say I'm pretty thrilled with the results of most of my flavor experiments. 

In the past I'd never have thought to grill fruit, but it's amazing. Grilling fruit and adding it to traditionally savory dishes? Brilliant.

Oh yes, and? New rule: every burger recipe for the rest of forever must contain grilled pineapple. OK, maybe more of a guideline. It's a seriously delicious combination though.

This Smoky Grilled Pineapple Burger is always a crowd-pleaser at my house. It's not only Paleo, but Whole30, glutenfree, lower carb, and clean eating friendly. I promise you won't miss the bun! 

Smoky Grilled Pineapple Burger Recipe Ingredients
2 lbs Lean Grass-…

Jillian Michaels BodyShred Full Review

I have to say my two months of BodyShred flew by! It seems like I just started yesterday. Ah, time flies while you're having fun. Right? OK, in this full review post, I hope to give you a good overview of exactly what the BodyShred program is as well as my thoughts and opinions on the program. So, is Jillian Michaels BodyShred hype or help? Let's chat...

Jillian Michaels BODYSHRED is Jillian's latest total-package fitness program. This set includes:


What's in the box:BodyShred Fitness Guide
BodyShred Meal Plan
BodyShred Rotational Calendar
BodyShred "Let Them See You Sweat" Workout Towel
DVDs-
     8 - Shred Style Circuit Workouts
       1. Launch
       2. Rise
       3. Amplify
       4. Escalate
       5. Conquer
       6. Triumph 
       7. Zenith
       8. Apex
     2 - Straight Cardio Workouts
       1. Fire Up
       2. Ignite
    Plus, bonus workout Opus and a disc on the cast and teaching the moves. So, a total of 12 DVDs are included in this set.


The BodyShred Workouts

Easy Paleo Mashed Sweet Potatoes

This Easy Paleo Mashed Sweet Potatoes recipe was sponsored by Puritan's Pride.
Growing up the only encounter I had with sweet potatoes was at Thanksgiving dinner. I hesitate to even call them sweet potatoes though. They were more like sugar coated sugar, with a side of sugar. Seriously!
The recipe was to coat a baking dish in margarine, add diced sweet potatoes, top with more margarine and a healthy heaping of brown sugar. Bake. And then? At the end you top the whole thing with a bag of marshmallows and bake again.
Blech! Needless to say I was never fond of sweet potatoes.
When I first went paleo I decided to reacquaint myself with sweet potatoes. They’re a great paleo-friendly carb source. I must confess the thought made me shudder, but I persevered. I tried them simple. Baked. I was so shocked. They're so good!
Now, I love sweet potatoes. They’re a go-to side dish for family dinners. Not only are they delicious, but they’re good for us and easy to make. The funny thing about sweet…

Paleo Peppermint Mocha Coffee Creamer Recipe

It's just not the holidays for me without a Starbucks peppermint mocha (or white chocolate peppermint mocha, mmm). I generally splurge once or twice during the holiday season with the real thing. Since going keto, however, I'm not sure if I will. Sometimes the sugar just isn't worth it!


Problem is I like them, miss them, and would really enjoy them all season long!
So..... I decided I wanted to tackle the peppermint mocha and come up with a KETO Paleo-friendly version. With this simple recipe, I can have a peppermint mocha anytime.


Not only is this recipe Keto Paleo, but it's also Whole30, gluten-free, vegan, primal, and 100% junk-free.



KETO Paleo Peppermint Mocha RecipeIngredients:
1 can Organic Canned Coconut Milk(Regular, NOT light. Seriously, ew.)
1/3 cup Organic Cocoa Powder
2 to 3 Tablespoons Organic Grade B Maple Syrup (Optional, leave out for keto or Whole30.)
1/2 to 1 teaspoon Organic Peppermint Extract(Depending how pepperminty you like it. I do 1/2 teaspoon)
1 teaspo…