Since going Paleo my family has fallen even more in love with our grill. Paleo and grilling just work well together. The past couple of years I've even been stepping outside my grilling comfort zone more and more. Grilling things I'd never thought to have grilled before and trying new flavor combinations. I have to say I'm pretty thrilled with the results of most of my flavor experiments. In the past I'd never have thought to grill fruit, but it's amazing. Grilling fruit and adding it to traditionally savory dishes? Brilliant. Oh yes, and? New rule: every burger recipe for the rest of forever must contain grilled pineapple. OK, maybe more of a guideline. It's a seriously delicious combination though. This Smoky Grilled Pineapple Burger is always a crowd-pleaser at my house. It's not only Paleo, but Whole30, glutenfree, lower carb, and clean eating friendly. I promise you won't miss the bun! paleo, grilled pineapple burger, smoky
This is a tough post to write. How does one let the whole world know that you’re a mess?
I’m not perfect, in fact, I’m a mess.
LOL, well that was easy. OK, seriously though, Yum Yucky’s post on compulsive eating got me to thinking a LOT about my issues. My issues, my uh, problems, my eating disorder, hmm maybe it’s disorders. I have an eating disorder? I have an eating disorder. Can I say that? Guess I just did. Wow…that is hard to put out there.
This is Wikipedia’s definition of compulsive eating: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_overeating I think it’s a fairly good definition. I mentioned in my what I learned in 2010 post that I’m a food addict, binge eater, and compulsive eater. The lines blur between all of those, but yes, I’m all three. Yum Yucky’s post and resulting comments got me thinking about all of this, and I’ve decided to share some of my why, my past, why I believe I have these issues.
I definitely learned disordered eating as a child. I can’t really pinpoint it, but I know some of these behaviors stem some from then. I learned an unbalanced/abnormal relationship with food. I also never learned how to handle emotions. Anger was really the only emotion that was acceptable to express. Now had I just lived a normal happy little life from there I may have been OK. Hard to know, but I didn't.
As a teenager I flirted with anorexia. I don’t think that I ever was clinically anorexic, but I displayed a lot of the behaviors. My weight was never unhealthy though. The smallest I was, was a size 3 and about 130 pounds for 5’6”. But I remember feeling hungry and it felt powerful. Ya, screwed up I was.
Then, I got pregnant when I was 17. The father was a year older than I was. It was a dysfunctional relationship with a capital D. He was in and out of my life until I was about 23. I married him, divorced, lots of drama all around. I won’t go into details, but he lied a lot, drank a lot, and was violent some. He did some things that cut me to my soul and killed any self esteem I had. I was broken. I wasn’t me anymore. This time in my life was the beginning of my full blown eating disorder.
Briefly after having my son I turned to alcohol. Thank God for my mom and dad during this time (my son was always safely with them when I was being an idiot). This was a bad time in my life. I realized I needed to grow up and be a mom, but still didn’t know who I was or how to deal with life, stress, or emotions. I was still very much so broken.
I turned to food. I never saw it in the same light as my drinking, it was somehow more acceptable. But it became my new addiction, my crutch, my obsession. I thought about food all the time, I binged on amounts of food that would shock you, I ate until I was so full I wanted to vomit, I ate when I wasn’t hungry, I ate so fast and didn’t feel like I could stop myself. I ate in secret. Food controlled me. I barely even tasted food; I just shoveled it in almost trance like. It was my drug.
I put myself through college as a single mom and met a wonderful man. I functioned well in the rest of my life, but my relationship with food and my weight continued to be out of control. It was only in the past few years that I realized I had a problem, that it wasn’t just will power, weakness, whatever. I knew my behavior was abnormal, but I never came to terms that it was an eating disorder (for some reason that terminology is hard for me). I have an eating disorder. It goes far beyond normal overeating. I have been completely obsessed with food. It has been all consuming for a large portion of my life. I have thought about it constantly. I’ve been filled with shame, self-hatred, and hopelessness for years.
Healing has come in increments and sometimes one step forward, two steps back. It’s been a long road. But over the last 10 years I have found me again. I’m no longer broken. I like me and I am filled with hope. I may always have to be aware of my food issues; there are still days that food is all I can think about. I still struggle, but I have hope. I have knowledge, and I have support. I know I will beat this. I know that I am worth it.
It may have taken me over 10 years to realize I’m not a piece of trash, but standing here, on the other side, I know that those 10 years have formed who I am. And I am strong.
I believe that this year I will get to a healthy weight for the first time in a very long time. I also believe that I can have a normal, healthy relationship with food. I can, I will, I am strong.
You are a very strong woman! :) I too struggled with a binge eating problem. I managed to stop, more than 2 years ago, yet I still have a daily struggle to stay on track.
ReplyDeleteI think what has helped me is reading blogs and realizing that I am not alone in my struggles.
2011 is going to be a GREAT year- both of us are going to reach our goals! :)
Thank you for being so honest. Im sure it will help your readers and help some realize they are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI agree 2011 is going to be amazing
You are strong. As evidenced by you baring your soul for everyone to read, warts and all. Not an easy thing to do. That courage and strength will carry you far in achieving your ultimate goals. I think you have much to teach those of us in the journey with you, so thank you!
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed your post. Thanks for putting it out there for us. I am also a compulsive eater / binger. I can almost pinpoint when it started though (almost). It's something we always need to be aware of.
ReplyDeleteI definitely have a relationship with food,i pick at it all day or not at all...
ReplyDeleteloved this post, very well done. I hope we can do it this year, i believe we have the ability to stick together and make it work!
"I'm not a piece of trash" just made me close my office door and have a good cry. I think you're amazing and sometimes it's scary how similiar we really are. Except I'm still in the stage where I don't deserve any of the good stuff that happens. It's not from hard work, but luck in my life.
ReplyDeleteI hope I can be the grownup you are someday. Maybe I'm getting a tad closer?
Wow... I never knew,and I am so much more IMPRESSED with you than you will ever know. You are strong willed and able to do whatever you put your mind to.
ReplyDeleteyou go girl...
Thank you for being so honest, Kerri. You're such a strong woman. *BIG HUGS* I believe this is going to be your year too. :)
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot to admit that you have a problem or an unhealthy relationship with food. It's like a revelation when you figure it out, like "Whoa, me ?" It's great that you've come to recognize it and that you've been working on it. That in itself is a HUGE step.
ReplyDeleteBig huge hugs and applause for your raw honesty.
ReplyDeleteCarla
We are all messes. I truly believe that. The less we can admit that, the more explosive the mess! Good for you. Josie really gets people thinking. You are strong, caring, and passionate. That's more than the negativity.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty and bravery in this post. It's hard to admit these things, even though so many of us have struggled through it. One thing I've discovered in the last two years is that there's really no such thing as just a little carbs for me. It triggers a very addictive feeling. Since switching to paleo eating, I've found that I don't really have to have "willpower" or fight those demons anymore. That's why I'm renewing my commitment via a 30-day Paleo challenge: http://ironmom.blogspot.com/2011/01/paleo-challenge-ground-zero.html Even after one day, I can have dinner in a fancy restaurant and just look at the dessert tray go by. If you know how little willpower I normally have, that's astounding. I think it's helped to find out how little of my issues were me being "bad" and how much it's basic biology - carbs for me are just plain addicting. Why fight them?
ReplyDeleteHugs. Great job being honest with yourself and all of us readers. We love you!
ReplyDeleteYes, you ARE strong.
ReplyDeleteKerry...thank you for sharing this. An important factor is the length of time! yes..10 years...me a little longer..something always comes up to deal with some more..I know the moment mine started and ..i know the exact moment when i admitted it..and I have been working on it ever since...I am not trash either, I am worth good and its not my fault...AMEN girl. It is posts like yours that answer posts like Josie's that make this blog land so awesome!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this, Kerri! Your remark, "I like me and I am filled with hope" brings a question to mind. Do you think that at the point someone is trying to change and turn away from the compulsions, does the looming guilt and need to forgive oneself help overcome it?
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have never experienced food compulsion, I was a little screwed up in my early years (I was a party girl, teenage drinker, etc). Forgiving myself had much to do with overcoming feelings of guilt and realizing that I was NOT that person anymore. Once I forgave myself, I was able to move on with my life without those haunting feeling my past always tried to throw in my face.
So that's why I'm asking. Does forgiveness help?
Josie: For me, forgiveness is a key but getting over the shame, not hiding from the secrets and learning to re-parent myself have been instrumental.
ReplyDeleteYou're brave. And wonderful. And we're all our own brand of mess. I'm proud of you. And I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteYou're a tremendously strong individual and this post just re-inforces your strength. Having the courage not only to post it, but to go in depth and give us the inside scoop on you, is also brave. You have made it through, the tough times in your life and so for that you are a survivor. I know you have the strength to keep pushing and keep reminding yourself that you are worth more than just nice words. Great post Kerri :)
ReplyDeleteYes, my dear...we are all messes. But you know what? When we're talking about how messy we are? We're at our best! It's paradoxical. The most whole thing we can do for ourselves is say that we are broken. We are authentic when we discuss our hypocrisy. We are most honest when we admit that we lied. And so on...so you just go on being a beautiful mess :-)
ReplyDeleteYup food and people are always at war with each other. I love food yet I still may look in the mirror and have the urge to cut something out of my diet to try and lose some weight. :P
ReplyDelete