I thought, and I thought....which story do I tell? From age 18 on, there has been MANY a crazy thing. I chose...
One word: Phentermine. That's a weight loss prescription. Long ago, in a me far far away...
I begged my doctor for it. He told me the possible side effects and warned me that people often just gain the weight back. I said, oh not me. I was desperate. He gave me the script.
I bounced happily to Safeway where I paid the full price for it because my insurance at the time didn't cover it.
First day, I felt...a little high actually...and not hungry.AT.ALL.
So I didn't eat.
Day two, I felt just a little like a caffeine high...and wasn't hungry.AT.ALL.
So I didn't eat.
By the end of week one I'd lost 6 pounds, I was ecstatic! And beginning to feel like crap.
I was becoming light-headed if I stood up too fast...on to week two.
I lost only 2 pounds this week, I started feeling hunger again, but still diminished. I began regularly feeling light headed and now seeing spots before my eyes on occasion.
On to week 3, oh yes I didn't even miss a beat, I felt that desperate to lose weight. I lost a pound on week three and my appetite was almost back to normal. Horrible headaches had added to the list...
On to week 4. I lost another pound...and things were going black briefly when I stood up and got light-headed...I honestly thought I might pass out a few times. And I felt overall like crap, and the headaches were scary.
I better quit taking this stuff, I thought. Hello? Duh? So I did. And the weight started coming back..and...I went back to my doctor for a refill.
I told him nothing of my symptoms and received another script...and repeated this entire thing for another scary month filled with terrible headaches and fearing I might pass out. Oh yes, things were worse this second time around.
Just to lose some weight.
I remember feeling that desperation. I was willing to do just about anything in my battle for the scale. Even harm myself. I didn't care, I just wanted to be thin.
I forgive that me. I love her. I pity her. I am not her.
The thing is, I didn't love myself...you don't treat someone you love this way. It was only after realizing that I had to change the me on the inside to change the me on the outside that I am finally getting it.
I love me. I want me to be healthy and strong. NOT thin at any cost.