Since going Paleo my family has fallen even more in love with our grill. Paleo and grilling just work well together. The past couple of years I've even been stepping outside my grilling comfort zone more and more. Grilling things I'd never thought to have grilled before and trying new flavor combinations. I have to say I'm pretty thrilled with the results of most of my flavor experiments. In the past I'd never have thought to grill fruit, but it's amazing. Grilling fruit and adding it to traditionally savory dishes? Brilliant. Oh yes, and? New rule: every burger recipe for the rest of forever must contain grilled pineapple. OK, maybe more of a guideline. It's a seriously delicious combination though. This Smoky Grilled Pineapple Burger is always a crowd-pleaser at my house. It's not only Paleo, but Whole30, glutenfree, lower carb, and clean eating friendly. I promise you won't miss the bun! paleo, grilled pineapple burger, smoky
I have talked some on my blog about my fear of failure. I struggle hugely with fearing failure in everything from weight loss to writing. In the past it has kept me from even trying. I really feel I'm getting a handle on this fear. I've stared that fear down and not let it beat me. I have began those tasks head on that I was afraid to start in the past out of fear of failing them.
Prior to starting my blog I had no idea fear had such a hold on my life. But it did and still does in some ways. Upon much soul searching lately I have realized I have a fear of being great. A fear of greatness?! Say what?
I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and had a long conversation with my sister about it. I am afraid to be great. To be anything special. To stand out. To be better than someone else. This may sound absurd to some and I will do my best to explain. This post and how to best put into words what I feel has been swimming around my head for days.
My entire life I have had people who have made me feel that I need to make my self less than. Less smart. Less attractive. Less successful. Less everything. Close people, important people. For some reason they view me being great as them being put down somehow. I guess keeping me down makes them feel better somehow? Maybe they are competing with me? I really don't understand their motives. But, I believe this has had an affect on my weight as well as many other aspects in my life.
I am afraid to be beautiful. I couldn't believe I was saying it when I said it to my sister on the phone. But it is true. Even typing this I am trying to figure out how to say it without sounding full of myself (which I am NOT) because I don't want people to 'think' that I see myself as beautiful.
In my past I have always had family members or close friends that were...I guess jealous of me? That is the only thing I can figure to explain it. But I always felt that I had to downplay myself. To be less than. Especially concerning my looks. If they weren't putting me down, I was putting myself down.
Now I'm not saying I'm some gorgeous gal or something, but I've always been curvy and whatever. In my single days I had a few guys look my way. Any attention I received for my looks these people in my life would roll their eyes and act like I was...I don't even know what. But it was huge attitude by them and it has made me be afraid to say anything nice or good about my looks AT ALL, EVER. If anyone says anything nice to me I have always felt obliged to play it off. It embarrasses me. Somehow these people have made me feel guilty for my appearance! I am trying very hard to learn to just say thank you to compliments and leave it at that.
If we went shopping and tried on clothes heaven forbid something look good on me. If I looked good in a pair of sunglasses they made me look like a 'bitch'. If I was doing my makeup I got mean stares. If I got a cute new haircut...you get the picture. Somehow all these events were about them. Heaven forbid I lose weight!
It goes deeper than just my appearance. I have never felt I can be smart or successful out loud either!
My ex husband made me feel like I was a show off if I used too big of words. Possibly why he's the ex?! But that's just one example of many where I have felt I can't show I have a brain. I did well in school, but much of it I did very quietly. I didn't want to stand out, especially around certain people.
If I succeed at anything these people in my life make me feel like I'm being a show off, like I'm full of myself, like I think I'm a big deal. How dare I think I'm...anything. It's like I'm in competition with them, but they're not even trying, so..uh, guess I'm winning?! It seems they feel I am putting them down somehow just by being ME. My marathon...ya, that went over REAL well.
While I am not sure if I have explained the situation well, I see it very clearly now. I have got to stop feeling I have to be less than for other people. I am not in charge of them and their feelings. I cannot keep myself down because of their choices in their lives. It is not a competition. They don't have to lose because I win...I can be me even if that means being great at things. Even if that means becoming a successful writer. Even if that means running races. Even if that means having a great husband and kids. Even if that means being thin. Even if that means being beautiful. It's OK to be me. It's OK to be GREAT.
Sometimes you have to live for you!
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ReplyDeleteI found that I was doing everything possible to have EVERYONE like me. Not a good thing. I think that was my biggest problem. Now that I've had to do things for Chickadee I couldn't imagine before, I'm much much better. Assertive even. At times.
ReplyDeleteYou're getting there. It is hard.
"They don't have to lose because I win...I can be me even if that means being great at things." You said it sister! You are great & beautiful & amazing with an amazing life & dare I say famous? Yes I do! Keep it up! And The best part is that no one looses... they just get a great example of how to truly LIVE!
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post. Congrats on this life-changing revelation!
ReplyDeleteDamn straight it's ok to be great. It's more than ok- it's WHO YOU ARE. You are fabulous, talented, beautiful, wonderful. If other people have a problem, then..its like you said, it's their problem. YOU are free to be you, so be the best YOU!! :)
ReplyDeleteA wonderful post! Your fear of success is understandable considering the unsupportive people that are/have been in your life.
ReplyDeleteDon't squash your awesomeness because of their issues. Rock it! :)
great post
ReplyDeletecongrats on your ephiphany
lady, you ARE great. you deserve to live your life without worrying, and if anyone thinks you're bragging..welp, they're jealous that they aren't straight out of Desperate Housewives ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is great. YOU are great.
ReplyDeleteThis is what's called the power of the feminine...and it's slowly starting to seep into the world. I'm sure you've seen this quote before, but I'll share it anyway because it's so apt:
ReplyDelete“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson
That does not sound weird at allll--- as a matter of fact, I have felt that way a lot and find that in the past I have done things that were self sabotaging, keeping me in a bad place when I deserved more. Good for you that you see you are doing this!! You deserved to be ALL you can and DO all you are capable of. Don't let others say you can't or shouldn't. If they don't see you as an inspiration, they probably see you as a threat and that is their own concern. Besides, they probably see the potential in you and your true friends will nurture that. You go sweetie.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much everyone for your awesome responses to this post! I am working all of this twisted thinking out and honestly believe I will overcome it! Your kind, encouraging words are so appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to this post. I think you have really nailed it. Who ever that is in your life that makes you feel this way--it's all about them and not you. It's their issue.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to joining you here!
Keelie
I totally relate to your words. It's funny how we feel we have to be less than our potential, so that we don't offend others or make them feel poorly. WOW!! Great post.
ReplyDeleteAll I have to say is...you are not full of yourself and you are staring fear down and kicking butt!!
I saw a greeting card once that had a picture of a giraffe on the front, and it said "Just be yourself", then on the inside "Cuz nobody can tell you you're doing it wrong." I just love that...if we try to be something we aren't, we inevitably get it wrong, but we are the only ones who can authentically be us!
ReplyDeleteEver since then the giraffe is my fave animal! Maybe that's silly, but it works for me. :)
Reminds me of one of Patrick Swayze's lines from Dirty Dancing: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"
ReplyDeleteGet out of your corner and shine!
In life the only person you are competing with is yourself. You can achieve anything! Thank you for being so honest and sharing what I believe so many other women feel.
ReplyDeleteIt IS okay to be great! I too have this same problem. I'm so scared to succeed and I actually sabotage myself constantly. I really think that recognizing it is the first step to overcoming it.
ReplyDeleteI was doing everything for others and once I started doing things for me I saw a world of difference! You're beautiful girly shine on!
ReplyDeletexoxo