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I Live Now!

I am living my life. I am living it out loud. I am living it right now.

That is my battle cry.

I have spent so many years waiting, hiding, looking to the future. The thought pattern was: well, when I reach X weight I'll...or can't wait until I fit a size X jeans, then I'll...or if only I wasn't so fat I'd...

I have spent years hiding myself and my body. Years planning what I'd do when. Years feeling bad about myself in the meantime. NO, NO, NO.

I am living my life. I am living it out loud. I am living it right now.

No more waiting. No more hiding. No more shame. I only get one life and I do NOT want to look back on it and feel it's been wasted. I do not want to look back on all the missed opportunities, all the wonderful things I could have done with my kids, all the places I never went...and REGRET.

So, I go to the beach or the pool with some flab, extra skin, and stretch marks hanging what?! What's the worst thing that could happen. I could get a weird look or someone could say something mean? People could judge me? Possibly. But even if that were the case I have to put that in perspective. What kind of childish people do things like that? People that don't really matter that's who. And what am I giving up over the slim possibility that these things might occur? I'm giving up living my life! More so, what are my kids having to give up over this fear? My kids don't know how to swim. They are missing out on a love of water and some serious summer fun! 

That's just one example of something I avoid over shame of my body. There have been many throughout the years and there are many still. 

No more. It stops here.

I am living my life. I am living it out loud. I am living it right now.

I won't get another shot. My kids won't get another childhood. I will not let shame have them!

This weekend I will don a swimsuit and go to the pool. Seems like a simple statement. A passing mention of my weekend plans. But this statement strikes terror into my heart, makes me quake with fear inside. It brings up ever bit of insecurity I've ever felt. But I will face the fear, I will ignore the insecurity and I will do it anyway. I must.

I live now!