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I don't often write on things like this, but my blog is for me, and I need to write this. 

The last week or so I've been dealt a huge dose of perspective. I've been tweeting, facebooking, and emailing with readers and blog friends that are struggling. I'm not talking struggling with the last 20-25 pounds like I am, but really struggling. People who don't just wish they looked better in their jeans, but people who's health and even lives are at risk here. People who have large amounts of weight to lose and just can't seem to do it. They've tried and failed so many times they don't know If they can stand another time of falling down. Some seem to have lost hope.

These interactions have been rough. 

I hear the pain and desperation in their voices and I remember it so well. I was there. I remember feeling like it was impossible, feeling like giving up on myself, feeling like I had no hope. I remember feeling that food controlled me, that I couldn't stop myself, that it was beyond me. I vividly remember loathing myself. 

The thing is that because I've been there, I feel like I should be able to help. Who better to help than someone who has been through that journey? I want to help. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did about myself. I don't want anyone to give up on themselves. I don't want anyone to go through life without hope.

I believe that my writing is a gift. A gift I've been given for a reason. So, why can't I help? I know, I can't fix the whole world, but damn it I want to!

Lately I've been asked how I did it. They see my before and current pics and want the 'answer'. I always do my best to give a helpful encouraging response to this, but fact is...I don't have the answer. I can discuss the xyz of what I do to lose weight, but it's much deeper than that. There's SO much mental and emotional stuff that has to go on too. 

I've thought long and hard, what could someone have said to the 'before' me to help? What could they have done? How would I have been reached? Truth is, I don't know. Maybe it was a process I had to go through. Maybe that's true for everyone. I don't know. But that doesn't stop me from feeling the pain I was in and wanting to save others from that. 

I just want to save them all, I just want to help them, I just want to force feed them with all this hope I have.

I posted on my facebook: Sometimes I realize I can't save the whole world and it makes me very, very sad. Karen replied: Karen C L Anderson I used to feel the same way until I realized something: you know how good it feels when you have saved yourself?? Who are we to take that away from those we wish to save?

I hear her. She's very wise.

I'm not perfect, I'm not at my 'goal', I don't always make the right choices. I slip up sometimes, I backslide. But I'm not there. I'm not where they are. I'm not where I was. Funny enough, tonight, that hurts. I hurt for them; I hurt for that 'before' me. From here I can see that she was me. She had every bit of my strength and awesomeness inside of her all the time, but she didn't know it.