This is a hard post for me to write. I think I worry about getting my heart across without being perceived in a certain way...
If you've followed my blog for long you know that I've lost a large amount of weight. It took many years of hard work, ups and downs, and searching for what worked for me.
This last spring and summer I made huge progress. I was in the best shape of my life mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt like I had finally found me for the first time ever.
I love that I'm pregnant. I love that we'll have another little one in our family, but...
I feel like I'm losing me. At the same time I feel selfish for feeling that way.
It's really really hard to watch the scale go back up.
I realize that sounds terrible. "You're pregnant, the scale should go back up!"
Well, yes it should. But it's going up too quickly and I feel myself falling into old patterns. It's scary.
I've gained 12 to 15 pounds already. For only being 3 months that's too much.
With my history of excessive weight gain in past pregnancies I'm mildly terrified. I weighed in at 250+ lbs at the end of my last pregnancy. The thought of getting there again (and fighting my way back AGAIN) seems unbearable.
In my mind I know that this is all ridiculous. I know that I need to be focusing on a healthy baby and not the scale. I know that no matter what I gain I'll get back to me after.
But I'm scared.
I've found myself over-eating. Eating decidedly non-paleo junk. Making bad choices. Obsessing over the scale.
All patterns I'd broken and never expected to see again. Somehow being pregnant makes me feel out of control of my body. Which, to some extent I guess I am, but it's not an excuse to fall back into bad habits.
The past week I've mulled this all over in my mind and realized that I need to make some changes. I need to shift my focus to being healthy and away from the scale. (duh, how long ago did I learn that lesson?) I need to be more mindful of what I'm eating and why I'm eating it. Exercise needs to be a priority.
I've worked too damned hard to slip quietly back into old unhealthy patterns (mentally, emotionally, and physically).
So, you know me, I made a plan ;)
I've started using a Fitbook mama2b to track my food, exercise, sleep, water, feelings, etc. My goal here is not to obsess, but to become mindful of the choices I'm making.
It's time to take care of me. I know how to do this...I've just lost touch with it a little.
disclaimer: I was sent the fitbook mama2b for review. As always opinions are 100% honest and my own.