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That's Not My Name

This post is inspired by the Ting Tings. Yes, bizarre, I know. My creative process runs a muck often.

You see, I have this song on my running playlist:

In some weird way, it inspires me. OK, maybe I have no idea what the words really say, and I take it to say completely different. Meh, I'm OK with that.

OK, backing up a bit. I was pregnant at age 17 and after having my oldest son, I was lost. I had no idea what to do with my life. Here I was in charge of another human life and not doing such a great job with my own. After attempting to be married to his father for a brief, horrible, time I was on my own.

I decided I needed to put myself through college. If I was going to be able to afford to support us I needed better than a high school education. 

It was a rough time. I worked full or part time and went to school full time. Add to that being a single mom and yes, my life was beyond hectic. And stressed. And tight on money. And lonely...and, and, you get the picture.

I turned to food a lot. I gained weight. A lot. I was ashamed and embarrassed. And people...well, they can be mean.

I remember one day during that time: 

I had a full day of classes and work. My son was at my aunt's house and I was on my way home to get him. I had skipped lunch and I was starving. I swung into the Arby's drive through. As I pulled in the speaker squawkily asked me to please wait. I waited. I'd had a horrible day and a LOT of things on my mind. Not to mention I was driving 45 minutes each way to get to school. Time was not something I had a lot of, but I was starved and had a long ride home, so I waited. And waited. And waited.

A car pulled up behind me. A car full of teenagers. I didn't think too much about it. They were loud, their music was loud. Teenagers. After about a minute of waiting the driver loudly flings out of his window, "Come on, just order everything on the menu and get it over with Fatty!"

I wanted to drive away, I wanted to disappear, I wanted him to disappear. Ouch. I wanted to say something back. I wanted. Not. To. Be. Fat.

Finally, they came back and took my order and I went on my way, but I can picture that scene and feel those emotions like it was yesterday. 

This is one incident. There were many others in my life. I'm sure many of you have your own similar stories. They hurt.

That's where the Ting Tings song comes in. I wish I could go back and hug that me, and tell her: Fatty? That's not my name. Useless, ugly, stupid....That's not my name. Big girl, loser, xyz pounds on the scale. That's. Not. My. Name.

I spent many years beating myself up and being carelessly torn down by others. But you know what? That's not my name! I'm pretty great. It may have taken me a while to figure that out, but I know it now. And, no, you're not full of yourself if you like yourself. It's not weird to love yourself. These are things I used to think!

If any of you are there, in that horrible place I was, don't let it take you so long to figure out that you're great. Let me tell you, you're great. Yes, you.

A little wisdom from the Ting Tings. Who knew? ;)